April 22. 2009:
Usually people say home is where the heart is…Why do I feel so lost here? falling asleep and the feeling of missing something. Waking up looking for it. Even when everyone is home I feel distant because I don’t want to show my unhappiness. Is it guilt? or am I just not happy. Why wouldn’t I be happy it’s family…
Well I’m here and I have no where else to go, this is home. Today I woke up from a weird dream. Clowns, circus acts, running around food courts, and raining milk? Then laying in our bed waiting for you to lay beside me…Why did I wake up right when I hear your car pull up in the drive way. How much I would love to lay beside you again…and this time not let you go or end up on the complete opposite side of the bed. Heavy thoughts running through my head wondering if you feel the same. If you miss the simple things as in falling asleep together and waking up in the morning to give me xoxo’s before you leave. Sometimes I catch myself waking up at 5:30 in the morning to see if the hallway light is on or your walking to the bed to kiss my bye. Getting one big wif of your cologne and waking up later with the smell still on my pajamas. Mornings feel empty and dull…my heart sinks deeper. It feels like I havn’t seen you in years when it’s only been 2 days. You picked me up to some food. Opening the car door to see you sitting there gave me butterflies again. Kissing you was like a burst of magic. Holding your hand made me feel bubbly inside. I couldn’t keep my eyes off you because I miss you so much. Kisses on my nose and forhead just enjoying every second with you knowing it was only temporary…The night came to a end. Goodbyes were said. I jumped on your lap to kiss you…holding back every tear squeezing you tight so you couldn’t tell. Your “I love you” took my breath away and then the door opened to leave. Another hard goodbye that tore me apart. I wish everything would go back to when we had that open conversation and I just stayed. As much as we both knew this would be the best for us I honestly didn’t know it would be this hard. Missing you more everyday. Cold nights without you missing xoxo’s. Missing you more than ever…
